Watching him breaks my heart

This morning, he got up and started his morning routine then when he sat down on the bed to put his socks on like he usually does, he didn’t move on.  He just sat there staring off into space.  I let him sit for a moment then I went and sat next to him and started scratching his back and asked him if he was ok.  For a split second, he looked at me like he didn’t recognize me.  It scared me.  At that very moment, I wanted to fold him up and put him in my pocket to protect him from whatever else is coming.

He had blood drawn two days ago and the results were in this morning.  No change yet.  It has been 8 weeks since his RAI treatment.  He went in for the blood tests because he has been feeling worse lately.  It is so very heart breaking to know he is suffering more than before and his numbers have not changed at all.

He is still keeping a positive face on for everyone else but I know he is tired.  I can see it in his beautiful green eyes.  He is spent.  If I could figure out how to make this all go away, I would trade anything for it.

The Dough Boy is Skinny Compared to Me

Steroids suck.  He is swollen from head to toe and is just miserable.  He popped a button off his “fat” pants this week, so we ran out to Target and bought him the next size larger.  He normally wears a 32 pant and is now just comfortable in a 38.  He looks healthy and great, actually.  It isn’t until you look really closely that you see his skin is so stretched over his frame that it looks like it is about to tear.  He moves slower and has a slight limp when he walks.

I feel so bad for him and there is absolutely nothing I can do to help him.  I hate being so helpless.  I have a textbook mom complex.  It is in my blood to take care of anyone and everyone I can.  I crave it.  It’s weird.  So, the fact that I can’t help him, is depressing the hell out of me.

No new symptoms have cropped up this week, which is good but not good either.  No new symptoms mean no change is happening.  If no change is happening then we are not closer to him feeling better.  This is so frustrating.  I almost wish he could have had surgery instead of RAI so that this would be done with already and he could be adjusting his synthyroid and on his way to feeling better.

We don’t know if he will ever be “normal” again – whatever normal is – and that is scary too. Graves Disease is such a personalized disease, that so far, no two stories we have read have been alike.  Does anyone get to live a “normal” life again or are the majority of people destined to live out their lives teetering on the edge of feeling like crap and feeling a little better than crap?

The Universe is testing us.  We have been so blessed throughout our lives and I guess we just needed a reality check.  This is our test.

Nothing nothing nothing

My husband has been feeling pretty crummy lately.  Weird cramps, mood swings, major memory loss, major muscle tightness, restlessness, weight gain, and intense joint pain are just a few of his symptoms.  He’s moved into Hypothyroidism, right?  We thought so and so he went to get his blood drawn today.  You know what the results were?zilch

NO SIGNIFICANT CHANGE!  His numbers dropped by 1 – 2 tenths of a point.  You can’t imagine the way our hearts dropped at the news.  If he feels this crappy with a 2/10 drop in his numbers, we are so scared what it will be like when he goes full Hypo.

I am scared for him and I am so sad because I know I will be absolutely useless to help him in the coming months.

In the mean time, both of us are gaining weight at a steadily scary pace.  He has an excuse.  I am just lazy.

So, what else is going on?  He is so swollen, his eyes don’t look so pronounced these days.  Unfortunately, everyone keeps complimenting him and saying how great he looks.  What they don’t know is that he may look better but it is mostly due to the swelling (he was looking like a skeleton at 5ft 10in and 170 Lbs!) from the prednisone.  No one understands that he is in incredible pain a lot of the time or that if you interrupt his train of thought he will have to completely start his entire process over again or that he can’t see you out of his right eye if you stand just to his side.

So, this is the struggle.  He keeps putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward and I am so very proud of him.  I am so lucky to be married to such a strong and noble man and I send thanks up to the universe every day for him.