Life Gets Busy

If I were to say it’s been a walk in the park the last 6 months, I would be lying like the mirrors in the Victoria Secret dressing room.

It was good for a few weeks, maybe even a few months.  It seemed like the medication was working and had leveled out and he was feeling better.  Not 100% like himself, but better.  It was exciting, and we got comfortable.  Then work got stressful and our oldest son created a wave of stress just by being 16 and starting his senior year of high school.

About 2 months ago he noticed that he was increasingly hungry; then came the tremors, and the accelerated heart rate.  It is always accompanied by a pale/grayish colored face and increased anxiety.

Our company dropped Blue Cross insurance and picked up something else, which is usually a pain in the tuckus but we are very happy they did this because now we can return to the original (and awesome) Endocrinologist and Thyroid Eye Doctors.  If you have Thyroid Eye issues, and can get out here, the Shiley Eye Center’s Thyroid Eye Clinic is the best.  Their web site is here: Shiley Thyroid Eye Center

The only problem is that the new coverage is not active until September.  Yes, we are almost there but he’s needed to visit the doctor since June.

It is mostly the mood swings that are so very difficult for our family.  He doesn’t realize that he is yelling most of the time and I really am so tired a lot of the time that I just fold inside of myself and give up.

I worry so much about him still.  He has lost so much of his confidence.  I’ve tried to so many times to get him to pick up some consultant work (he builds database programs – student registration, finance tracking programs),  but he repeatedly tells me he is “not qualified” and is “too old”.  He’s 45 and has built these systems for the companies he works for.  Why can’t he do it independently and make $$ off of it?!?!?  He just won’t do it.

I miss my confident, sometimes cocky, husband.  I miss the man that sees the opportunity in every situation and takes advantage of it.  I miss that man that saw beauty in the world and appreciated it.  He has become increasingly negative over the past 2 years and that really kills me. He has always been my smile, my funny, my light.  Now, i feel like I fight for myself and for him all on my own.  I am glad to do it considering he did it for me for so many years, but I fear I am not equipped to be able to keep it up for an extended amount of time.  I am terrified I will spiral into the dark depths and take him with me.  Our kids keep me above ground now but they are getting older and will be leaving the house soon.  It is scary.